Tough Love

Reflecting on the years she had children to care for, the guest on a radio program said, “I grew tired of struggling to get the children up, fed, dressed, and out the door on time for school. So, one Christmas my husband and I bought alarm clocks for each of them and said, ‘It’s your responsibility to get yourself up and to come to breakfast cheerily.’”

She didn’t say how that worked, but I’m assuming it did. If so, I’m sure everyone in that household felt less frustrated without the constant naggings that used to go on and without the frenzied rushes to get out the door. 

I wonder how that would have worked if Mama had given my sister and me the responsibility for getting ourselves up and to the breakfast table cheerily. I wonder how that would have worked if I had tried it with my own children. (One took responsibility for her wake-up schedule without being told; the other was more like me and required lots of trips to her bedroom door and lots of loud commands to “Get up NOW or you’re going to be late!”)

The earlier the children learn to take responsibility for their actions, the easier and quicker they learn that actions/decisions have consequences as well as rewards. The earlier they learn to face those consequences, the quicker they learn to collect what they need before heading out the door. For example: Forgot your lunch??? Too bad!

I never felt I could be that tough with my children--or grandchildren. No matter what they did (or didn’t do), I felt compelled to come to their aid. I thought that’s what loving parents did. But child-rearing experts recommend “tough love,” which requires parents to say, “I love you too much to allow you to continue behaving that way.” Now I see that nipping bad habits in the bud early on is much easier than trying to instill good habits in older children.

Tough love is painful for children and parents. Yet, it brings great rewards.  Even the Bible says so. Take Hebrews 12:11, for example, which says: Now no chastening [discipline] seems to be joyful for the present, but painful; nevertheless, afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it" (emphasis added).

Note: We can also apply the "tough love" principle to ourselves!

Too Much on the Plate

Note: While working on a special project I came across this article I wrote in 2002. It's relevant today since "overwhelm" rarely goes away!

For a time, my eleven-month-old grandson Bailey sat in his high chair and munched happily on his Cheerios and little slivers of an apple.  When I noticed that he had eaten nearly all that was on his tray, I gave him a little more. Suddenly he began to smash his “yum-yums” with his palms and to swipe them off his tray onto the floor.

“Bailey! No! No!” I said.

His mother cleared the tray immediately, and together we wiped his hands and cleaned the floor. As we did so, she said, “That’s what Bailey does when he feels overwhelmed.”

I laughed. “I understand! All too often I feel as if I have too much on my plate.”

Realizing that I was referring to responsibilities rather than to food, Jena nodded knowingly, since, “like mother, like daughter,” she, too, normally has more going on than she should have.

As I reflected on that experience, I realized that at least Bailey had the good sense to get rid of the things that were overwhelming him! While we adults ought not to dispense with our responsibilities as quickly as Bailey did his food, we can learn how to admit that we are becoming maxed out and to ask for help. (Actually, we have the option of saying “no” before we let people put more on our plates than we want. That is our best line of defense.)

Even after we accept certain responsibilities, we still have options. 

One, we can hold on to and perform our duties even though our stress reaches dangerous limits. (Not a good choice!) 

Two, we can learn time management and organizational skills that will help us juggle all our jobs more efficiently and effectively. (Better.) 

Three, we can delegate some of the tasks to others.  (Great idea for us, but perhaps not good for the persons to whom we pass part of our load!)

Fourth, we can spread out our calendars and our commitments before God and say, “These are the things I have agreed to do. But, my ‘plate’ runneth over! Help me know which ones I should keep and which ones I should let go of in order to regain my sanity and to renew my joy in serving You and others.”

You know what? He will begin to instruct us. He may speak through others as He spoke to me years ago when I was wearing not only my “Super Mom” hat but also several others. My boss at that time often said, “Johnnie, you don’t need to do things the hard way.” For example, after I’d made a batch of homemade cupcakes and delivered them to the school, he smiled and said, “You could have bought them.”

He was right, of course, but that thought almost never occurred to me. Even so, God continued to send gentle reminders to me via that dear friend, as well as others.

God also speaks through our circumstances. Sometimes we get to the point where we are absolutely unable to continue doing a particular thing. Thus, we have no choice but to remove it from our plate. And sometimes God allows us to become so miserable in a situation that we have to let go of it even though we’ve always felt we couldn’t or shouldn’t.

God also directs us through His Word, especially when we come honestly and humbly before Him. Proverbs 3:5-6 (New Living Translation) tells us the steps to follow if we want to know what we should or should not do. “Trust in the LORD with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will direct your paths.”